A creative writing post

The other night, I was having a rough night,  and some verses popped into my head for poetry writing. Of course,  I didn’t put them in my phone and the next morning I couldn’t remember them all. But I tried to write a poem based on what I remember. I’m also ready for fall and have been in a Halloween ready mood, so that accounts for kind of the chilly, almost spooky tone of the poem.

What is it when your passion becomes your punishment?
When the hours that felt like minutes before drag like days?
How does something so positive turn against you?
The path I was on seems to be gone,
Now I know where not I go.
It’s a silent scream that chills my bones, coursing through my body.
Where do I go?
What do you do when it takes everything to keep going?
Going forward, when what you loved now causes a pain.
Pain that hurts even more because it used to bring you joy.
What do I do?
Do I stay and fight, risking the cut in my soul growing even more?
Or do I walk away and leave part of myself behind?
There’s no easy answer here.
How I wish I knew my path.
I scream for guidance, for help, but no one hears.
It’s a living hell, when your passion becomes your punishment. 

Confidence

It’s been awhile since I wrote. I really haven’t had the motivation to write or the inspiration to write. Lately, I have had a few things that made me want to write again but I still lacked any idea for a topic. Until it came to me that maybe I should talk about confidence, or, in my case, lack thereof. Confidence is an interesting topic. We talk about having confidence and how it important it is to success, but I don’t feel that we really talk about building confidence or helping others who are lacking it. Recently, I read an interesting book about confidence called “You are a Badass,” that I enjoyed. I wish I could have such a positive outlook as the author. I’m looking for more similar types of self help books.

Recently, it really occurred to me how little confidence I actually have. It kind of took a self- evaluation for me to realize this. I think a self-evaluation every now and then is really important. It helps you grow as a person, and it’s not always the easiest to look within and see where your faults are. Unfortunately, in my case, I don’t really know how to solve my lack of confidence problem. But I think that admitting to it is something. I also think it’s related to my anxiety and depression – I feel like a duck; appearing calm but paddling like hell underneath the surface. Quack. Quack.

It’s like an unexpected side effect we don’t talk about, but it makes sense. You’re feeling down, you aren’t going to be shining confidence out of every orifice. You’re anxious, you’re probably nervous about how you’re appearing to others. It’s something I’ve had problems with for a while, but I never really connected the dots together.

To me, admitting it is at least the growth of some type of confidence. By admitting it, you aren’t hiding behind it. You might be wondering, why does it bother me so much? Lots of people lack confidence. When I realized it, I realized how much I’m limiting myself. I keep thinking of the phrase “fake it until you make it.” I’m not very good at faking anything. I need to figure out how to grow my own confidence. It’s limiting me as a person, as a writer, and as a firefighter. I don’t trust myself. I struggle with body image, especially since gaining some weight. I’m really not sure how I’m going to grow confidence but I know its important to several aspects of my life. I just thought it was something important to me to talk about. It’s kind of like a sight of relief. I think its harder pretending to be confident than actually having confidence. How do you find it to useful to grow confidence? Do you think that we install confidence easily in others?